Our Monkey Part 10

The Writing Cast:

Shig	Matt	Herb
Gort	Vamps	Mikie
Jekill		Heph

Thus the beast was really just angry that he had a fake father and that Our Monkey had allowed him to be a bastard child for so long. The beast simply wanted to smother the monkey, tear out its lungs, and cherish it. They raced down the corridor until they came to a T. The monkey went left and the monster right.

One came to a blue door, and the other a red. There were two shots, one at Our Monkey's feet, the other at the beast's head. Only one connected... and it was... with the beast. It then went through the beast and hit the monkey. Both died metaphorically. However, the monkey lived, thanks to the carapace of the beast. Dazed, he stabbed his broken stick through the officer's eye, and took the gun.

Our Monkey, tired from his (mis)adventures, found a cheap motel and bought a room. He then hired a prostitute. When she came, she freaked out because it was not any monkey, but a very small monkey. However money is money so... after doing the dirty, she asked for her payment. Our Monkey, however, realized that he didn't have any legal tender. The prostitute filed a lawsuit. The monkey got a lawyer pro-bono, while the prostitute got one pro-boner. After a lengthy law suit, the jury ruled that the prostitute would have to marry the monkey, after the Pope consented. Thus, they left for the Vatican on a business class flight.

The plane crashed and both Our Monkey and the prostitute died. The lawyers however survived, and filed a class action suit against Death©, The Angel of Death©, and God©. Wanting to avoid a lengthy legal combat, God© smote the lawyers, and as a sort of retaliation, Death© and the Angel of Death© killed God©. Then everybody died and our story ends.

The End

Next Time: Epilogue and Notes

Our Monkey Part 9

The Writing Cast:

Shig	Matt	Herb
Gort	Vamps	Mikie
Jekill		Heph

It jumped in and crawled around a bit until it found its way into a meeting room. Luckily, nobody was around. However, a nearby vending machine attracted him. Smashing the face plate open, he began to devour Hershey bars. Just then the re-stockman came in with two extra crates of Hershey bars. The beast ate all of those too. Unfortunately, the man had half a Hershey bar left in his hand. The monster opened wide and bit off his whole arm. Screaming and waving his bleeding stump, the re-stockman ran away yelping like a constipated wiener dog. The beast went off to the lobby, since he could smell Hershey's bars and Pepsis. When he arrived, the patrons screamed in fright. They proceeded to yield their beverages and snacks to the beast.

Just then, Our Monkey entered the lobby. Our Monkey was unafraid of the beast, however the beast made a rapid 180 degree turn (since he had been facing the monkey), and skidded along the floor, rushing to run away from the monkey. Then, the beast remembered its original mission, and turned around to greet Our Monkey. "HUBBLAGH JIBBER JAAHHRBB," it said politely. Our Monkey was confused but undaunted and responded "CHEE! OOK ACK OOK OOK SCREE!" Then Our Monkey got out his ninja-stick and vaulted to the second story to find the engineer's office, but his ninja-stick broke so instead he used his super monkey ninja speed to bypass the beast before it knew what happened.

Unfortunately, the beast was quite enraged, because in martian bugblatterish, "OOK ACK OOK OOK SCREE!" translated to "Your mother was nice in bed before I killed her." However, the CHEE! in front of it translated to "I am your father." The martian was just showing his love. As in weird martian ways, the father kills the mother so that the mother can give birth.

To Be Continued...

Personalized News

The more personal news becomes, the less people learn and know.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/epic


*eerie music floods the backround*

Our Monkey Part 8

The Writing Cast:

Shig	Matt	Herb
Gort	Vamps	Mikie
Jekill		Heph

Then he realized... "my organs are electronic." So then he cybernetically re-engineered his organs so he would stop shrinking and growing. After that, he started shrinking and growing again. He decided he wasn't a good engineer and went to find the KFC of engineers known as EFC, but couldn't find it in the phone book. Depressed, he yelled "JFC," and nobody heard him, since he was in a shrink sequence.

During this time, on Mars, a ravenous bugblatter boarded a ship with an assignment to shake hands with Our Monkey. The ship took off and landed in Idaho. The bugblatter saw a human and began trying to ask them where Our Monkey was, but the person couldn't understand the ugly beast, so they screamed and ran to the local police station. Dazed and confused, the bugblatter followed the innocent civilian and met up with an officer who was ready to defecate in his pants, and was holding a shotgun.

The beast thought that it was a piece of candy, so he opened his mouth wide. The officer fired the shotgun, sending the back of the beast's head splattering on the ground. Relieved, the officer turned and began to walk away. What he didn't realize was that the beast had regenerative properties. Confused, the beast scrambled to its feet and ran into a nearby vent shaft.

To Be Continued...

Time to visit with the Kiwis

Not too long from now, I shall venture from this place I know so well. A visit to New Zealand will be my first trip out of the country, as well as my first ocean encounter. Some neighbors of mine are moving there, and have agreed to let me visit them. Plane tickets there are expensive, but I should be able to manage in time. They actually offered me a permanent place in their home, and with any luck i can convince my parents to agree, but it's doubtful.

On a different note, the hoardes of people milling about in confusion before and after public firework displays reminded me of what it might look like if zombies were to attack. A bit more screaming and other such displays of sheer fright might be seen, but it would otherwise look much the same. So many people. So much noise. No general weaponry shop in sight.

Note to Self: They don't celebrate the Fourth of July in Auckland.

Our Monkey Part 7

The Writing Cast:

Shig	Matt	Herb
Gort	Vamps	Mikie
Jekill		Heph

He fell down on a pile of garbage. In this garbage he found his favorite Japanese toy: another Hello Kitty vibrator. With this he put it on at "freedom speed", and then was able to break down the KFC window, which was closed at the moment! He held up the vibrator and threatened the cooks for some chicken, otherwise he'd use the vibrator and seduce all their wives with the cute small childishness of Hello Kitty.

However, what he came here for was a spork. The cook shakily handed him a spork. "Please leave us in peace." Our Monkey shook his head in refusal and said, " I need more than just your sporks... I need your pants." The monkey then went around depantsing all of the chefs and staff, then depantsed all of the customers of KFC. Needless to say, He also depantsed Colonel Sanders, and the security chief named Anders.

Anders was very angry. He pulled up his pants, but not before grabbing Our Monkey and mashing him into a pile of KFC Apple Pies (made with real deep-fried chicken crust). They tasted like a summer morning. Our Monkey ate the pie and grew to the size of a hand of Matt.

The monkey needed to be bigger for some reason... so he ate another pie. Except this time it backfired. He shrunk back down to the size of Matt's thumb. This continued indefinitely (the shrinking and growing) until a giant cat happened by and devoured all the remaining pies (shrinking down to the size of Our Monkey's thumb). The monkey decided to search elsewhere for a way to grow up. Our monkey thought for a second. He took a spoon to kill the giant cat with. Unfortunately, a spoon was still too heavy for our thumb-sized monkey. So he picked his nose and... got a shock!

To Be Continued...

Our Monkey Part 6

The Writing Cast:

Shig	Matt	Herb
Gort	Vamps	Mikie
Jekill		Heph

The inspectors had already abandoned the plane though, and the monkey only knew how to fly NASA sanctioned rockets, and thus watched as the (nuclear) plane headed towards ground-zero... however, he realized ground-zero was not in Taiwan, so he screamed to the passengers, and learned the man in first class was a pilot.

So the man in first class led to plane to an airport in Taiwan. He then got off the plane in Taiwan to look for the KFC. He found a limo and took it to the KFC headquarters, but then realized he couldn't pay. But he had never gone to Taiwan and could not understand the people at all, so he quickly got completely lost. So he ended the day in a monkey bar, drinking monkey beer, with monkey small bubbles in it, and began seeing what he thought were fat monkey dumped women as monkey lady supermodels.

After that he went out to smoke (yes, our thumb-sized-vampire monkey smoked, too), and pointed his head up to see the stars. Since Taiwan is a huge town, the sky wasn't even dark because of the city lights. Our monkey was really disappointed, when he saw written in huge letters on the building facing the bar, "KFC HEADQUARTERS". So he quickly set up his mortar and loaded the thermonuclear missile in the barrel. 3... 2... 1... *fizzle* he forgot he was SUPPOSED to eat the missile to launch it. So instead he ran into the window of the KFC. BULLET PROOF!!! (Crazy americans!)

To Be Continued...

Our Monkey Part 5

The Writing Cast:

Shig	Matt	Herb
Gort	Vamps	Mikie
Jekill		Heph

To refuse his missile he would need electrical cable, a pie pan, cinnamon pie crust, and finally, one deep-fried nucleophilic chiral gallon of heavy water. However, due to the definition of nucleophilic chiral this could not happen. So instead he took apart the missile and determined how to make one of his own. To do this he needed one of every type of pie on the planet and a spork. So he went down to his local bakery and got all of the pie he needed. However, he could not find a spork anywhere. So, in order to get a spork he needed to fly out to KFC headquarters in... Chinese Taiwan.

So, he packed himself into the luggage of the closest female monkey he saw walking by (which happened to take 10 minutes). He then got to have fun on the carousels in the airport and play with other people's luggage. On the plane, he started searching through people's luggage and in the last bag he tore apart he found the holy g-string. Putting it aside for a more perverse monkey, he escaped into the cockpit where he found two more evil nuclear inspectors. However, he had an issue, if he killed these evil nuclear inspectors the plane would crash, but if he didn't kill them before the plane landed they would still be out to terrorize the world before he could start his nuclear holocaust.

So, of course, he got out his ever trusty ninja-stick. Except somehow his ninja-stick was broken. He then searched through the luggage again for a roll of duct tape (which solves everything by the way). He used the duct tape to patch up his ninja-stick and returned to the cockpit. Unfortunately, the devious inspectors had used another roll of duct tape to seal the cockpit door. So of course Mr. Hungry Monkey used his ever trusty “Hello Kitty” vibrator to break down the door.

To Be Continued...